I Cannot Start From Zero

Little did I know my next post would be so many days later from the past one, and yet, here I am. I can see that the last one was in 2022, and now, it has been four years. It is 2026.

In all these years, I have become someone I barely recognise, I have exhausted myself and have become what we call a 'repeat-offender'. We now have ChatGPT, so people do not need to write their posts, they can just ask technology to write it, there is so much content that people rarely go to blog posts, which is why, I am going to bury this secret of mine in an open view. There is absolutely no crowd on this site, and this trend will continue.

Past years have passed by in a haze, quite literally. I did drugs, I quit them, I did them again. I made myself so 'strong' that I thought it was okay to rebuild your life for 6 months, then break it away in a span of 3-4 days and just rebuild it again. Over and over, I have done that for months, as if the sole purpose of my existence is to dodge this drug. Well, as I grow older, I realise I cannot start from zero every time. My life is not just mine, it also belongs to those who love me.

After all, why should my mother be at the receiving end of all of this. Has she not suffered enough? Somedays I wish she would have never met my father, never had me. She would have lived better, she would have seen this world a little more, she would probably have learnt to be herself. But then, she was married to my dad, and then, she had me. Even today, even after all of this, if you go and ask her if she is happy after having given birth to me, she would answer affirmatively without even thinking. That is my mother.

I am in Japan, my thoughts are no longer coherent and I cannot stay on one topic for long enough, but I need to think this through. Does my mother really deserve this? No, she does not. I cannot break myself every time, rising from zero is heroic a hundred times, but every hero needs to build something constitutively over the years, this loop cannot run forever. I have a lot of thoughts, some that I cannot even tell the world, I keep them to myself, but I will not let them erode me.

I took some decision for myself today, I decided to put myself out of the agony. Not by killing myself, but by saying no to the fleeting desires. I say no, I will say no every time from now onwards. I will not let go of my life this way.

Life is boring and it is okay to be bored. Good luck, soldier.